thoughts about human nature

Here's a life lesson that I can't seem to wrap my brain around - some people just aren't like me.

I know, right? It sounds totally elementary...and I understand it on an intellectual level. Of course people are all different, and we all look at things in a million different ways as we look at the world through the lens of our own experiences. But I struggle to understand, deep down in my heart, how some things aren't universal. Basic human kindness.

In the last 2 years, I have heard so many stories, and lived through a few myself, of people who show shockingly cold, callous behavior toward people they are meant to love. This I just cannot understand. I cannot understand deliberately doing emotional damage to another person once you pass the age of, I don't know, 12 or so, when cruelty is unfortunately widespread. How do you not get past that pre-adolescent mindset as an adult, as somebody who has doubtless been hurt and understands the transmission of pain?

I suppose there are all sorts of rationalizations, as I think about these stories. I am the Queen of Rationalization myself, but still -- when I am doing something wrong, I know it's wrong, whether I try to rationalize it or not. You can tell yourself a hundred reasons why hurting somebody is "necessary" but still, in your gut, you have to know it isn't, don't you? There's always a better way. Almost always. I don't dispute that sometimes you have to do disagreeable things for your own good, and that sometimes that involves hurting somebody. But there are ways to do those things with kindness and compassion, and if we as humans weren't so bloody selfish and scared about making it harder on ourselves, perhaps we'd be more likely to show that basic human decency to others.

It becomes harder and harder, the more times I am hurt, to continue to be vulnerable and not to retreat into the same sort of self-protective shell. But I know, for me, I can't do it. I don't ever want to be the person who can look at somebody else and be cruel on purpose. I don't ever want to be the person who'd rather hurt you than hurt myself.

As I sit and I think about the depth of the hurt created by the simple act of somebody not being willing to give me a chance, I hope that the lesson I take away from this is one of forgiveness, not bitterness. I hope that I don't build a wall around my heart to protect it and in doing so, isolate it. I hope that I remember from this day forward to be compassionate of others' mistakes and trust in their efforts to make things right. I hope that I am able to see more clearly when people are sincere and when they are not, and I hope that I never allow my own fear to cause me to let go of something special. I hope that my love and my loyalty, once given, are strong enough to last through the inevitable tests. Even if that means being beaten down and hurt a hundred more times. I hope that until the day I die, I can hold my head high knowing that I tried to love people properly. I will fail, as I have done before, but I hope that I continue to learn and to grow from these failures and that I will not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.