St. Jude or Jude the Apostle was one of the twelve apostles of Jesus. In the Roman Catholic Church he is identified as the patron saint of desperate cases and lost causes. Now I'm not a religious type but I get a kick out of St. Jude. Suz and I seem to have what they call a St. Jude complex. We also seem to have time management issues and overextend ourselves on endeavors of the unnecessary. The things we squash our time with are not of any noble pursuit of self-improvement or nourishment of mind. It's all pretty much just "stuff". That's the only way to describe it, stuff.
And that "stuff" along with the St. Jude complex we share, hasn't made much time for anything else and in the fallout we've neglected life, ourselves and all the possibilities that could have been. We were run down, beat up, exhausted and pissed. We can't do everything, save everyone, fix everyone if we can't even do it for ourselves. If only speaking for myself, trying to motivate others has completely demotivated me.
Everyone always claims big heights for their new year and many fall off to regular habits by mid-year if not sooner. I am sick of wanting more but losing focus in acquiring it because I was diverted back to "stuff". It seems the few people I know who have this miraculous life (truly with no sarcasm) earned it by making goals, doing everything in their power to do so, and balancing the help others/help myself combo. As Suzanne said last night right before the New Year, "This year is going to be great, there isn't any other option."
Being a Yes Man needs to be balanced with a No Man! NO to things that bring me down, NO to things that demotivate me, NO to things that put me at my worst. If someone gets left behind in my dust than that's how it'll go. I can't be a sidekick, I can't be the trainer, I can't be the therapist, I refuse to be the savior. At the rate I was going, I was becoming bitter, resentful, easily annoyed, all the things that make everyone else around you unhappy as well. How did I get to being "that" person? It's probably safe to assume it's because I neglected myself. Now it doesn't mean I won't be my regular, "sure I'll help you", "Of course, no problem!", "Don't worry, I don't mind" self. But it'll be within REASON and only for those who DESERVE it.
I never thought I would be the one to say, "I'm unhappy". But I am - there it is. I'm unhappy that I've lost so much in the pursuit of giving too much of myself away. I'm unhappy that I feel like I'm not doing anything important or useful. I'm unhappy feeling like I'm not giving my mind and soul the things that it should always have. I have nothing to show for the past few years. I was always the type to want to do extraordinary things and be something, more than something. It kills me that I have very little to show of my life. Great friends are one thing, I have amazing friends and we certainly have created amazing times. But friends don't define my life, they add to my life. I want something to show of ME.
Suz and I were raised in the same state, have the same type family and parents, went through nearly the same experiences, and we both share the same desire to be better, do better, and improve at every chance. So hopefully between the two of us - we can turn over the New Year in 2014 in better spirits and with a more fulfilling life.
“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it"
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