Day 3

1. Hair fixed...check.
2. Oz book read...check.
3. Pillars of the Earth taken off the bookshelf and put on the night stand. Hey, baby steps.
4. Shit gotten together and interview answers mentally prepared.
5. Quality time spent with family...check.
6. Cream puffs eaten. Yeah, that's not a resolution but it is wonderful for my soul.

I've felt down all day. I woke up in a horrific mood with the headache that started yesterday still pounding away. I feel pretty good about the fact that I even got out of bed today, much less that I actually accomplished a few things. Today is also the first day in 2 weeks that I did not spend hours jobhunting, and it felt pretty outstanding to take a day off and watch copious amounts of junior hockey and spend a little time wallowing.

It's no secret to anyone reading this that my heart was broken not long ago. You've all been privy to my hysterical and obsessive facebooking, and please believe that for every sad, sorry status update there were about 50 that I deleted without posting. I have tried to be as respectful as I can be to the other party, who clearly does not believe in communicating about this at all beyond "I'm done with you," but that's not how I operate. I can't just make up my mind about anything, let alone about something as life-altering as letting go of the person I supposedly love. It sucks to try to wade through this mess by myself, with no real answers - which I suppose ought to be answer enough. It sucks to wonder if there is any hope left and have no real way of answering that question. It sucks to be left with a drunken middle-of-the-night song lyric as the only answer - which isn't really an answer at all because it's completely cryptic and could be interpreted in about a hundred different ways. It sucks to have so much left to say and nobody there to hear it. It was hard enough to feel not good enough; to feel not good enough and not really know why I wasn't worth the effort is much, much worse.

I've never been through a breakup like this. Generally, they are instigated by me, and I usually have more than ample cause and have gotten so angry and so fed up over such a long period of time that the mourning period is rather short. This is different. This is a scary pit of bad feelings that feels like it is going to go on for a long, long time, and I don't know how to get to the other side except to keep on trying to slog through it. I feel guilty when I am overwhelmingly sad, because there is still so much good in my life, and because I know that, no matter what mistakes I have made, I deserve more than what I was given. I feel guilty because I know in spite of knowing that, if he wanted me back I'd go in a heartbeat and that this would disappoint a lot of people who also think I deserve better - and now I feel guilty that I just admitted that. I am stuck between believing that with great love should come great forgiveness and wondering why he doesn't seem to agree. Then I get angry that I forgave much, I overlooked much, and he couldn't do the same for me. Right now, I feel guilty that I am airing this out to the world at large, and I know he won't like it, but I've got to talk about it somewhere, and really - is it any secret to any of you what's happened? Is this really such a revelation? Look at me trying to convince myself it's okay to post this. You know what? It's the truth, and so I will. I am not trying to bash Sean in any way. I have nothing bad to say about him; I wish I did because it would make it easier. A whole lot easier. The worst thing I can say is I am incredibly disappointed. Incredibly disappointed. And shattered.

And now I have nothing else to say.