the green-eyed monster

"Does she talk
The way I do
Is her voice reminding you
Of the promises
The little white lies too
Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?" - Natalie Merchant, Jealousy

I hate feeling jealous.

No, let me rephrase that.

I absolutely despise feeling jealous. It's an ugly, petty, horrible feeling that doesn't ever do anybody any good (okay, except when it serves as a giant red flag wakeup call, which I suppose it's been known to do). It makes me feel like a crazy person.

And I battle it ALL. THE. FREAKIN. TIME these days. I try to at least maintain the outward appearance of a better-adjusted individual, but inside I seethe with bitter, hateful ugliness toward anyone and anything that comes close to having what my brain persists in believing is mine. 

“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”
-J.R. Ward, Dark Lover

I know there must be some magical trick out there to stop it already with the envy. Actually, there is, and I know what it is - it's no longer giving a damn. However, I have a small problem with my give-a-damn, and that is that I have pretty much zero control over it. When I want to give a damn, I don't, and when I don't want to give a damn, I give two of them. Or three.

I suppose what it boils down to is that it's one thing to be knocked on your ass and left alone as though you are worthless. It's another to be knocked on your ass, left alone as though you are worthless, and then replaced. It makes a competition of the thing, it makes you hold yourself up against the virtues and vices of somebody else and question all sorts of things about your worth.

I'm not going to say anything else because I don't want to get even uglier so let's just put it all out of my mind now.

So, I am pretty much a resolution failure today. I totally rocked a bun because I woke up late, but I feel like it's okay because my resolution REALLY was just to blowdry 5 days a week, which I did. I also haven't read a page of anything I am meant to, although I got a good bit into Angela's Ashes because it happened to be in my purse. I have been out from 8:30 am until 10:30 pm though, so I feel pretty vindicated in my uselessness. I'll try to knock out an Oz book before I pass out but it's not looking good. Also, I got to see my sweet niece play hockey tonight (and kick some butt!) and was recruited for a ladies' broomball game next month - watch out, Gwinnett Arena...you have no idea what is about to transpire on your beautiful ice! It should be a travesty, and hilarious, and I can't wait! I haven't played broomball since I was 15. In fact, I am reasonably sure I had no idea how to play it then, and I certainly have no idea how to play it now, but I intend to win. And probably become very bruised in the meantime.