I just re-read all of our old entries, and I have got to say, I am proud as hell of both Tracy and myself. Honestly, when we started this blog, I assumed we'd get caught up in life within a month or two and this would all fall by the wayside. Granted, we don't blog as much as we intended to, but as for actively striving for improvement in our lives - we are freakin' killing it. Reading my old posts, I felt like I was so embarrassed by that pitiful version of me that I wanted to delete them all from public record...but then I thought, dang girl - look at how far you have come in such a short amount of time. Look at the changes you have made just by deciding it was time to be open to changing. So yes - I was pathetic and sad and miserable, but it is important to remember that. It is important to do honor to it and to the journey from that person into somebody who is doing good things and making strides and is through accepting less than she deserves.

If 4 months brought me here, I can't wait to see where I am in a year.

First Step

Sometimes when you’re in a deep, dark place, you don’t realize it. Maybe your conscious is protecting you so that you weather the storm. It doesn't recognize that it isn't a storm, it’s a forest. You've grown so used to this darkness. You've convinced yourself it is okay. If you’re lucky a little light will push through this darkness, if only for a moment. It startling awakes you from your slumber. You become aware. You may panic for a few minutes. You question how you got here, how long you've been here, why you've allowed yourself to get lost in such a place. If you have even the tiniest bit of strength left in you, it will quickly start to prepare for battle. The first part of this battle is to run. To run as fast as you possibly can. Wobbly legs, heart beating fast, emotions swirling, confusion and doubt, RUN. You run without looking back. You run ignoring any doubts. You run until you see light. You run until you feel the fresh air and the feeling of hope which is never present when you’re somewhere dark. And once you’re out in the open with the sun shining as if to congratulate you on having the strength to find your way again; you stop and you close your eyes. The next part is very important. You stop. You stop right there with sun on your face. You breathe in and listen. You feel how trampled your spirit was as you feel the hope, strength and life slowly seep into you. You listen around you to the peace and you know you are no longer repressed by the poison you were inflicted with. You are ready to start. You are ready to take in every single thing this world can offer.

WARNING: Explosion Imminent

I haven't been keeping up with the blog, honestly I haven't been keeping up with anything. I've allowed for things in my life to push me past the point that I can't stand. And for what? That question still eludes me. Why, if I know so much, do I act upon it so little? It isn't helping me at all. In fact, it's ruining me. It has pushed me to the point of being reclusive because I just can't handle even the tiniest of things. Stress is not something to be taken lightly when it's being shoved on you at high dose. I'm thinking heart palpitations from high anxiety is a good clue after trying to ignore the stress for so long. It's amazing that I took on so much unneeded responsibility, responsibility that isn't even mine to help but in the end I can't do anything for even just myself. The stress has become paralyzing to the point that it takes an immense amount of effort to talk to people, get out of bed and perform the very basics of duties. At some point something has to give and right now that looks like it'll be me. At some point I have to let go, I have to give up, give in, give out. At some point I have to just STOP. There are certain things that require more than one person to carry the weight. There isn't anyone there. It's just me. And I have lost the ability to go out and have fun, to be happy, to take a breath and let it out and to repeat the basic act of breathing. I don't like this person. I have helped so much that I have lost myself and am now in need of help. I'm a tow truck needing a tow truck. When will it come?

First order of business is this -- we really suck at keeping up with this blog.

Secondly, luckily I suck a lot less at all of the other things I am supposed to be focusing on. For instance, my hair looks stunning today in spite of working a 13-hour day, and I am voting my Oz book challenge a success even though I only got through all of the books actually written by L. Frank Baum and two not written by him, both of which I hated -- I decided that it was pointless to try to muddle through the rest that I'd likely hate as well and that as a purist at heart, I did what I had to do and am ready for Oz the Great and Powerful a whole 2 weeks early.

Now that that's out of the way, I just had some things I wanted to say today.

No matter what stage of healing you are in post-breakup, I think it always kind of sucks to hear that the person who broke your heart and professed that they were so miserable about it has moved on. Even when you already figured it was a given based on their track record, knowing it for truth isn't fun. But I also think it's a pretty crucial part of the healing process, one that helps you take off the last vestiges of the rose-colored glasses and say to yourself, "this person is a real asshole."

Interesting that initially I typed "was" a real asshole and felt compelled to go back and change it to the present tense.

There was more I wanted to say about this at first but now, typing it out, I don't feel the need any more. I don't want to waste any more thought or emotion on somebody who clearly didn't spend any on me.

I said tonight that it seems to me that everything has worked out for the best, and it strikes me now that I actually truly believe that. Look at where the last few months has taken me - from a job that was making me into a crazy person to a new career where I feel fulfilled and happy and challenged...from a relationship where I wasn't cared for, was taken advantage of and taken for granted to a better understanding of myself, my expectations and the standards I need to set for myself. Financially I am worlds better off. I am repairing damaged relationships with people I love and I am confident in all of my friendships with people who have stuck by me even when I was at my worst. I am taking steps to better myself, and 3 months ago that wasn't even on my radar...I felt happy enough but in retrospect, I was treading water in a pool with no bottom and losing energy fast; drowning was inevitable and somehow I've been thrown a lifeline.

I am privileged to get to witness a lot of different kinds of relationships in what I do now. I was struck today by how many of the couples with children in my school are so unified. You can just tell by looking at them, talking to them, that they treat their relationships as true partnerships. There is so much respect and consideration for the other party. Of course this is not universal; there are always exceptions, but seeing it from the outside, it cements in my head that I am on the right path. Or at least, no longer on the wrong one. On the flip side, I also get to see couples where you can unfortunately kind of see the writing on the wall. Some of these people you can also see are crazy in love - right now. But their approach to their marriages throws up red flags all around. I used to think it sucked that love wasn't always enough...but now it seems to me that it's a blessing in disguise. Yes, it is a painful, messy, awful thing to be hurt. But being emotionally hurt is like being physically hurt - that pain is there as a warning that you are doing damage to yourself and it keeps you from doing more, irreparable harm. I'll take my scars for the lessons they are, and I'll try not to cry once the lights are turned off tonight. Or what the hell - maybe I'll sleep with them on until I don't care any more.

creeping closer and closer to letting go

This afternoon I realized that I am tired. I am sick and tired of the repentance; I am sick and tired of the self-doubt and the self-deprecation and the self-hate. I am sick and tired of the questions and I am sick and tired of feeling as though I have something to prove to anybody who isn't me.

I am kidding myself if I think there is any remnant of love left between me and Sean. In fact, who knows if there ever was? If somebody can't be there for me when I make a mistake, what kind of love is that? If somebody can't be there when I need him, what kind of love is it? If somebody doesn't want me when I am anything less than perfect, it doesn't seem like they ever really wanted me at all. And sitting around pining for something that never was just makes me a fool. Sitting around thinking if I just do this, that, and the other, maybe I'll prove to him that I am worth it - what a waste of my time and energy.

I want more than he can offer me. And that is not my fault and I refuse from here on out to take responsibility for his inability to love somebody properly. I have been so reluctant to begin letting go because I feel like it reflects on me and my devotion, but I don't think that any more. I think that I gave this every chance I possibly could have, and I forgave him everything I wish he could have forgiven me and then some, and I made allowances for things that maybe should have been deal-breakers, and then he couldn't give me the same courtesy - and yet here I am beating myself up while he carries on with his life exactly as he did before, totally unrepentant? Why? Why do I give a shit? Why am I so damn hard on myself and yet I'm pissed off that he's just as hard on me because I know I don't deserve to be judged that harshly?

The question I keep asking myself is, if he came back, what would I do? Up until today, the answer was clearly that I would grovel and demean myself and do everything possible to keep him. Now? I don't think I am willing to do that any more. If he came back, he'd have to be a different man. So, really, how much love was ever really there, if what I wanted and loved was the best that he could be...but he wasn't ever at that level? What if what I loved was just his potential and not who he was? And what if what he loved was just what I was representing myself as, and the minute a crack appeared in the armor, he realized it wasn't really me and that's why he went? What if the blinders have been ripped off both of us? Is there really any recovery from that?

It's just hard. It's hard to go from sharing everything with somebody to sharing nothing, and to be tossed a scrap here and there of what they are doing and how they are feeling, but not to be important enough to warrant more than that. I don't want things to end 100% and I certainly don't want them to end ugly, but I think for my own sanity I might need to break all contact. I'm not there yet, but I am getting closer and closer, and it hurts like hell but I'm beginning to see it's time I start taking better care of myself, because Lord knows I can't count on him to do it.

PS - I didn't blow dry my hair today. Hmph.

A manifesto of enoughness

In my online wanderings the other day, I came across a website called Stratejoy. It appears to be part life coach/motivational whatever, part blogging community for women who are striving to bring more joy into their lives. At any rate, there was a blog entry about being enough. I am too lazy to find it again but tonight, I have been battling feeling not-enough all night, and so I thought to myself, this is the time to remind myself of all the things about me that make me uniquely me, and special, and enough.

I am enough.

I have a heart that only wants to please people - to please everybody. I am generous and kind and sensitive, even when I don't show it. I want to make people laugh and I want to take care of them.

I am enough.

I am good at crossword puzzles, and I am impossible to keep down for long. I try to learn from my mistakes even when it's a hard lesson. I work really, really hard, no matter what I am asked to do, because I want to be proud of what I've done at the end of the day. I will never ask anyone to do something I wouldn't do myself.

I am enough.

I think a lot, and I want to understand myself and my motivations - and I want to understand yours, too. I will bend over backwards to believe the best of people even when all evidence says I shouldn't, because that's what I'd want people to do for me.

I am enough.

I have horrible taste in music and reality TV. The only things I can cook are casseroles and soups. I'm a nerd who carries a book everywhere she goes, and I never use a bookmark so it always takes me a minute to figure out what page I am on. I love children's books and fairy tales, and I think we could all learn a little something from Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan.

I am enough.

When I love, I love fiercely, and I will hang onto that love long past its expiration. I don't like losing people and I don't like giving up on people, even when they've given up on me. And even after I have moved on, I don't forget and I still have love and I'd still do anything somebody I once loved needed. I guess that's just called loyalty. I can't stand seeing people cry because it makes me feel helpless to fix it. I don't have much of a temper and I hate to fight. I am a textbook Libra and I prize fairness. If you are being wrong, I will probably tell you, and I expect you to tell me when I am, and I won't take offense. I'll probably still cry after you leave, but not because I'm offended. Because I'm afraid I've disappointed you.

I am enough.

I am impulsive sometimes and heedless of consequences sometimes, and other times I can't make a decision to save my life - and that's okay. Sometimes I wish I were better at communicating, but it just takes me awhile to figure out exactly how I feel and I don't want to say anything I can't take back in the heat of the moment. I want to be careful of people's hearts. Raised voices and angry words make me feel like a child, but I am learning to be more assertive. I am a work in progress.

I am enough.

There are going to be people who do not like me. There are going to be people who do not think I am enough. This hurts, but it is okay too, because I know that I have value and I am doing the best that I can. And that is enough for me.

Life's BIG problems

Today I have had a few big problems. Huge really, the kind that can't be solved in a day. BIG problems involving life altering situations. But that is nothing compared to the problem of "should I eat it or not?"

That's right. Should I eat that big slice of pizza in the fridge that I've been thinking about since yesterday afternoon? Right now this pizza slice is screaming at me. It's telling me to eat it because it's the last slice of pizza and one shouldn't waste. But my head is saying, you just worked out and you will completely undo everything. However, then it says, "eh, you really didn't eat much today. It's bad to go to bed hungry".

This is the life problem I face tonight. Should I eat that slice of pizza or not.

Maybe I'm just deflecting all these actual problems I'm facing. It's probably my brain telling me that I'm completely overbooked on figuring out my life right now and before you blow up, it's a good idea to just worry about the little stuff. Like, should I eat that slice of pizza or not.

Furthermore, why am I so concerned over eating a slice of pizza. That slice of pizza will not cause me to gain 30 pounds overnight. If tomorrow I lighten up and do a little extra of cardio....voila.

So I leave you with this question: Would you eat the slice of pizza?

thoughts about human nature

Here's a life lesson that I can't seem to wrap my brain around - some people just aren't like me.

I know, right? It sounds totally elementary...and I understand it on an intellectual level. Of course people are all different, and we all look at things in a million different ways as we look at the world through the lens of our own experiences. But I struggle to understand, deep down in my heart, how some things aren't universal. Basic human kindness.

In the last 2 years, I have heard so many stories, and lived through a few myself, of people who show shockingly cold, callous behavior toward people they are meant to love. This I just cannot understand. I cannot understand deliberately doing emotional damage to another person once you pass the age of, I don't know, 12 or so, when cruelty is unfortunately widespread. How do you not get past that pre-adolescent mindset as an adult, as somebody who has doubtless been hurt and understands the transmission of pain?

I suppose there are all sorts of rationalizations, as I think about these stories. I am the Queen of Rationalization myself, but still -- when I am doing something wrong, I know it's wrong, whether I try to rationalize it or not. You can tell yourself a hundred reasons why hurting somebody is "necessary" but still, in your gut, you have to know it isn't, don't you? There's always a better way. Almost always. I don't dispute that sometimes you have to do disagreeable things for your own good, and that sometimes that involves hurting somebody. But there are ways to do those things with kindness and compassion, and if we as humans weren't so bloody selfish and scared about making it harder on ourselves, perhaps we'd be more likely to show that basic human decency to others.

It becomes harder and harder, the more times I am hurt, to continue to be vulnerable and not to retreat into the same sort of self-protective shell. But I know, for me, I can't do it. I don't ever want to be the person who can look at somebody else and be cruel on purpose. I don't ever want to be the person who'd rather hurt you than hurt myself.

As I sit and I think about the depth of the hurt created by the simple act of somebody not being willing to give me a chance, I hope that the lesson I take away from this is one of forgiveness, not bitterness. I hope that I don't build a wall around my heart to protect it and in doing so, isolate it. I hope that I remember from this day forward to be compassionate of others' mistakes and trust in their efforts to make things right. I hope that I am able to see more clearly when people are sincere and when they are not, and I hope that I never allow my own fear to cause me to let go of something special. I hope that my love and my loyalty, once given, are strong enough to last through the inevitable tests. Even if that means being beaten down and hurt a hundred more times. I hope that until the day I die, I can hold my head high knowing that I tried to love people properly. I will fail, as I have done before, but I hope that I continue to learn and to grow from these failures and that I will not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.

The D word

So, in taking stock of most of the major mistakes I have made in my life, it has become abundantly clear that my #1 gihugic-est failure in life is financial. I flat-out suck at money management. I have no discipline, and I like stuff too much, and I am far too quick to throw down money I don't have to help others -- which is great, if I am helping people who actually need help with things they actually need help with, but in actuality what I do more of is enable people who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves by providing them with things they don't need in the slightest, at my own expense. This, friends, is A Very Bad Idea and can lead you to A Very Bad Place very quickly.

Therefore...Big Resolution for 2013 is edited to one simple word. Discipline. It will take discipline to continue to blowdry my hair every day, particularly as I start my new job and must report in at 6:30 every morning. But am I going to do it? You bet your ass. It will take discipline to go out and get the second job that I pretty much have resigned myself that I need to get in order to pay off my debt and begin saving. But am I going to do it? You bet your ass. It will take discipline to tell you guys, my friends, that for the next year of my life I am going to be pretty antisocial as I get my shit in order, and I hope that I will not lose friends due to this but I am sure that I will. But am I going to do it anyway? You bet your ass.

I am tired of looking at my bank statements and saying, "Where in the HELL did all my money go?" and realizing it all went to absolute and utter nonsense. I am tired of not having a backup plan, because I spent mine 3 years ago and never bothered to refill the coffers. I am tired of driving around a car that needs $2000 in work and hoping the engine doesn't fall out of it because I don't have $20 for an oil change, much less $2000 for a whole slew of things to be done.

So I dug out the Dave Ramsey books my father got me as a not-so-gentle hint years ago, blew the dust off of them, and cracked them open for the first time today. I am about to draft my very-first-ever budget. I am doing it, dammit, and it's going to suck and it's going to be hard but I am beginning to become used to doing things that are horrible and difficult.

Somebody please just periodically remind me that when I can actually retire in 35 years, I will be glad I got off my ass, albeit a little later than I should have.

opening my eyes

I missed a couple days! Bad blogger.

Hair's been blow-dried the last few days. I am even getting better at it. Sort of.
Books are being read.
I worked at the preschool for a few hours today as a sort of "trial." I loved it and I watched the school director send an email to the owner imploring him to hire me, so let's take that as a very good sign. I fell in love with a little boy who, every time I went in the toddler room, attached himself to my leg and looked up adoringly into my face until I would pick him up. I think this place will be good for my soul.

This probably will not make sense because the thoughts are just beginning to become clear to me as it is, and I have a raging headache on top of it, but it's been on my mind and it's time to put it out there.

Most of you know I got a DUI last year. Stupid, stupid, stupid choice and one I have paid for in a lot of ways. Life lesson, kids - taxis are a lot cheaper and less humiliating than DUIs. Anyway, part of my probation involved taking the state-mandated risk-reduction DUI class. I didn't really know what to expect; I figured it would be a lot of videos and workbook work about the dangers of driving drunk, sort of a longer version of the abridged lesson you get in regular driver's ed. Not so, friends. This class was about choices and consequences - much less about drinking and driving and much more about high-risk drinking or drug choices. It was pretty eye-opening. I do not think I am in any danger of becoming an alcoholic, but if I were to continue down the path I had been going down, who is to say what would have happened? I was in a bad environment for me, one where heavy (and I mean HEAVY) drinking was considered normal, and encouraged. There was more that I wanted to say but I realize now that it is not the time or place. Instead, a quote. From the Bible, no less.

1 Corinthians 13:7  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

My challenge is to balance that with a healthy dose of detatchment and self-respect. I can love somebody and want the best for them and be concerned without allowing their choices to negatively affect my life. It will take time and practice, but it can be done.