This afternoon I realized that I am tired. I am sick and tired of the repentance; I am sick and tired of the self-doubt and the self-deprecation and the self-hate. I am sick and tired of the questions and I am sick and tired of feeling as though I have something to prove to anybody who isn't me.
I am kidding myself if I think there is any remnant of love left between me and Sean. In fact, who knows if there ever was? If somebody can't be there for me when I make a mistake, what kind of love is that? If somebody can't be there when I need him, what kind of love is it? If somebody doesn't want me when I am anything less than perfect, it doesn't seem like they ever really wanted me at all. And sitting around pining for something that never was just makes me a fool. Sitting around thinking if I just do this, that, and the other, maybe I'll prove to him that I am worth it - what a waste of my time and energy.
I want more than he can offer me. And that is not my fault and I refuse from here on out to take responsibility for his inability to love somebody properly. I have been so reluctant to begin letting go because I feel like it reflects on me and my devotion, but I don't think that any more. I think that I gave this every chance I possibly could have, and I forgave him everything I wish he could have forgiven me and then some, and I made allowances for things that maybe should have been deal-breakers, and then he couldn't give me the same courtesy - and yet here I am beating myself up while he carries on with his life exactly as he did before, totally unrepentant? Why? Why do I give a shit? Why am I so damn hard on myself and yet I'm pissed off that he's just as hard on me because I know I don't deserve to be judged that harshly?
The question I keep asking myself is, if he came back, what would I do? Up until today, the answer was clearly that I would grovel and demean myself and do everything possible to keep him. Now? I don't think I am willing to do that any more. If he came back, he'd have to be a different man. So, really, how much love was ever really there, if what I wanted and loved was the best that he could be...but he wasn't ever at that level? What if what I loved was just his potential and not who he was? And what if what he loved was just what I was representing myself as, and the minute a crack appeared in the armor, he realized it wasn't really me and that's why he went? What if the blinders have been ripped off both of us? Is there really any recovery from that?
It's just hard. It's hard to go from sharing everything with somebody to sharing nothing, and to be tossed a scrap here and there of what they are doing and how they are feeling, but not to be important enough to warrant more than that. I don't want things to end 100% and I certainly don't want them to end ugly, but I think for my own sanity I might need to break all contact. I'm not there yet, but I am getting closer and closer, and it hurts like hell but I'm beginning to see it's time I start taking better care of myself, because Lord knows I can't count on him to do it.
PS - I didn't blow dry my hair today. Hmph.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
A manifesto of enoughness
In my online wanderings the other day, I came across a website called Stratejoy. It appears to be part life coach/motivational whatever, part blogging community for women who are striving to bring more joy into their lives. At any rate, there was a blog entry about being enough. I am too lazy to find it again but tonight, I have been battling feeling not-enough all night, and so I thought to myself, this is the time to remind myself of all the things about me that make me uniquely me, and special, and enough.
I am enough.
I have a heart that only wants to please people - to please everybody. I am generous and kind and sensitive, even when I don't show it. I want to make people laugh and I want to take care of them.
I am enough.
I am good at crossword puzzles, and I am impossible to keep down for long. I try to learn from my mistakes even when it's a hard lesson. I work really, really hard, no matter what I am asked to do, because I want to be proud of what I've done at the end of the day. I will never ask anyone to do something I wouldn't do myself.
I am enough.
I think a lot, and I want to understand myself and my motivations - and I want to understand yours, too. I will bend over backwards to believe the best of people even when all evidence says I shouldn't, because that's what I'd want people to do for me.
I am enough.
I have horrible taste in music and reality TV. The only things I can cook are casseroles and soups. I'm a nerd who carries a book everywhere she goes, and I never use a bookmark so it always takes me a minute to figure out what page I am on. I love children's books and fairy tales, and I think we could all learn a little something from Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan.
I am enough.
When I love, I love fiercely, and I will hang onto that love long past its expiration. I don't like losing people and I don't like giving up on people, even when they've given up on me. And even after I have moved on, I don't forget and I still have love and I'd still do anything somebody I once loved needed. I guess that's just called loyalty. I can't stand seeing people cry because it makes me feel helpless to fix it. I don't have much of a temper and I hate to fight. I am a textbook Libra and I prize fairness. If you are being wrong, I will probably tell you, and I expect you to tell me when I am, and I won't take offense. I'll probably still cry after you leave, but not because I'm offended. Because I'm afraid I've disappointed you.
I am enough.
I am impulsive sometimes and heedless of consequences sometimes, and other times I can't make a decision to save my life - and that's okay. Sometimes I wish I were better at communicating, but it just takes me awhile to figure out exactly how I feel and I don't want to say anything I can't take back in the heat of the moment. I want to be careful of people's hearts. Raised voices and angry words make me feel like a child, but I am learning to be more assertive. I am a work in progress.
I am enough.
There are going to be people who do not like me. There are going to be people who do not think I am enough. This hurts, but it is okay too, because I know that I have value and I am doing the best that I can. And that is enough for me.
I am enough.
I have a heart that only wants to please people - to please everybody. I am generous and kind and sensitive, even when I don't show it. I want to make people laugh and I want to take care of them.
I am enough.
I am good at crossword puzzles, and I am impossible to keep down for long. I try to learn from my mistakes even when it's a hard lesson. I work really, really hard, no matter what I am asked to do, because I want to be proud of what I've done at the end of the day. I will never ask anyone to do something I wouldn't do myself.
I am enough.
I think a lot, and I want to understand myself and my motivations - and I want to understand yours, too. I will bend over backwards to believe the best of people even when all evidence says I shouldn't, because that's what I'd want people to do for me.
I am enough.
I have horrible taste in music and reality TV. The only things I can cook are casseroles and soups. I'm a nerd who carries a book everywhere she goes, and I never use a bookmark so it always takes me a minute to figure out what page I am on. I love children's books and fairy tales, and I think we could all learn a little something from Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan.
I am enough.
When I love, I love fiercely, and I will hang onto that love long past its expiration. I don't like losing people and I don't like giving up on people, even when they've given up on me. And even after I have moved on, I don't forget and I still have love and I'd still do anything somebody I once loved needed. I guess that's just called loyalty. I can't stand seeing people cry because it makes me feel helpless to fix it. I don't have much of a temper and I hate to fight. I am a textbook Libra and I prize fairness. If you are being wrong, I will probably tell you, and I expect you to tell me when I am, and I won't take offense. I'll probably still cry after you leave, but not because I'm offended. Because I'm afraid I've disappointed you.
I am enough.
I am impulsive sometimes and heedless of consequences sometimes, and other times I can't make a decision to save my life - and that's okay. Sometimes I wish I were better at communicating, but it just takes me awhile to figure out exactly how I feel and I don't want to say anything I can't take back in the heat of the moment. I want to be careful of people's hearts. Raised voices and angry words make me feel like a child, but I am learning to be more assertive. I am a work in progress.
I am enough.
There are going to be people who do not like me. There are going to be people who do not think I am enough. This hurts, but it is okay too, because I know that I have value and I am doing the best that I can. And that is enough for me.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Life's BIG problems
Today I have had a few big problems. Huge really, the kind that can't be solved in a day. BIG problems involving life altering situations. But that is nothing compared to the problem of "should I eat it or not?"
That's right. Should I eat that big slice of pizza in the fridge that I've been thinking about since yesterday afternoon? Right now this pizza slice is screaming at me. It's telling me to eat it because it's the last slice of pizza and one shouldn't waste. But my head is saying, you just worked out and you will completely undo everything. However, then it says, "eh, you really didn't eat much today. It's bad to go to bed hungry".
This is the life problem I face tonight. Should I eat that slice of pizza or not.
Maybe I'm just deflecting all these actual problems I'm facing. It's probably my brain telling me that I'm completely overbooked on figuring out my life right now and before you blow up, it's a good idea to just worry about the little stuff. Like, should I eat that slice of pizza or not.
Furthermore, why am I so concerned over eating a slice of pizza. That slice of pizza will not cause me to gain 30 pounds overnight. If tomorrow I lighten up and do a little extra of cardio....voila.
So I leave you with this question: Would you eat the slice of pizza?
That's right. Should I eat that big slice of pizza in the fridge that I've been thinking about since yesterday afternoon? Right now this pizza slice is screaming at me. It's telling me to eat it because it's the last slice of pizza and one shouldn't waste. But my head is saying, you just worked out and you will completely undo everything. However, then it says, "eh, you really didn't eat much today. It's bad to go to bed hungry".
This is the life problem I face tonight. Should I eat that slice of pizza or not.
Maybe I'm just deflecting all these actual problems I'm facing. It's probably my brain telling me that I'm completely overbooked on figuring out my life right now and before you blow up, it's a good idea to just worry about the little stuff. Like, should I eat that slice of pizza or not.
Furthermore, why am I so concerned over eating a slice of pizza. That slice of pizza will not cause me to gain 30 pounds overnight. If tomorrow I lighten up and do a little extra of cardio....voila.
So I leave you with this question: Would you eat the slice of pizza?
Monday, January 14, 2013
thoughts about human nature
Here's a life lesson that I can't seem to wrap my brain around - some people just aren't like me.
I know, right? It sounds totally elementary...and I understand it on an intellectual level. Of course people are all different, and we all look at things in a million different ways as we look at the world through the lens of our own experiences. But I struggle to understand, deep down in my heart, how some things aren't universal. Basic human kindness.
In the last 2 years, I have heard so many stories, and lived through a few myself, of people who show shockingly cold, callous behavior toward people they are meant to love. This I just cannot understand. I cannot understand deliberately doing emotional damage to another person once you pass the age of, I don't know, 12 or so, when cruelty is unfortunately widespread. How do you not get past that pre-adolescent mindset as an adult, as somebody who has doubtless been hurt and understands the transmission of pain?
I suppose there are all sorts of rationalizations, as I think about these stories. I am the Queen of Rationalization myself, but still -- when I am doing something wrong, I know it's wrong, whether I try to rationalize it or not. You can tell yourself a hundred reasons why hurting somebody is "necessary" but still, in your gut, you have to know it isn't, don't you? There's always a better way. Almost always. I don't dispute that sometimes you have to do disagreeable things for your own good, and that sometimes that involves hurting somebody. But there are ways to do those things with kindness and compassion, and if we as humans weren't so bloody selfish and scared about making it harder on ourselves, perhaps we'd be more likely to show that basic human decency to others.
It becomes harder and harder, the more times I am hurt, to continue to be vulnerable and not to retreat into the same sort of self-protective shell. But I know, for me, I can't do it. I don't ever want to be the person who can look at somebody else and be cruel on purpose. I don't ever want to be the person who'd rather hurt you than hurt myself.
As I sit and I think about the depth of the hurt created by the simple act of somebody not being willing to give me a chance, I hope that the lesson I take away from this is one of forgiveness, not bitterness. I hope that I don't build a wall around my heart to protect it and in doing so, isolate it. I hope that I remember from this day forward to be compassionate of others' mistakes and trust in their efforts to make things right. I hope that I am able to see more clearly when people are sincere and when they are not, and I hope that I never allow my own fear to cause me to let go of something special. I hope that my love and my loyalty, once given, are strong enough to last through the inevitable tests. Even if that means being beaten down and hurt a hundred more times. I hope that until the day I die, I can hold my head high knowing that I tried to love people properly. I will fail, as I have done before, but I hope that I continue to learn and to grow from these failures and that I will not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
I know, right? It sounds totally elementary...and I understand it on an intellectual level. Of course people are all different, and we all look at things in a million different ways as we look at the world through the lens of our own experiences. But I struggle to understand, deep down in my heart, how some things aren't universal. Basic human kindness.
In the last 2 years, I have heard so many stories, and lived through a few myself, of people who show shockingly cold, callous behavior toward people they are meant to love. This I just cannot understand. I cannot understand deliberately doing emotional damage to another person once you pass the age of, I don't know, 12 or so, when cruelty is unfortunately widespread. How do you not get past that pre-adolescent mindset as an adult, as somebody who has doubtless been hurt and understands the transmission of pain?
I suppose there are all sorts of rationalizations, as I think about these stories. I am the Queen of Rationalization myself, but still -- when I am doing something wrong, I know it's wrong, whether I try to rationalize it or not. You can tell yourself a hundred reasons why hurting somebody is "necessary" but still, in your gut, you have to know it isn't, don't you? There's always a better way. Almost always. I don't dispute that sometimes you have to do disagreeable things for your own good, and that sometimes that involves hurting somebody. But there are ways to do those things with kindness and compassion, and if we as humans weren't so bloody selfish and scared about making it harder on ourselves, perhaps we'd be more likely to show that basic human decency to others.
It becomes harder and harder, the more times I am hurt, to continue to be vulnerable and not to retreat into the same sort of self-protective shell. But I know, for me, I can't do it. I don't ever want to be the person who can look at somebody else and be cruel on purpose. I don't ever want to be the person who'd rather hurt you than hurt myself.
As I sit and I think about the depth of the hurt created by the simple act of somebody not being willing to give me a chance, I hope that the lesson I take away from this is one of forgiveness, not bitterness. I hope that I don't build a wall around my heart to protect it and in doing so, isolate it. I hope that I remember from this day forward to be compassionate of others' mistakes and trust in their efforts to make things right. I hope that I am able to see more clearly when people are sincere and when they are not, and I hope that I never allow my own fear to cause me to let go of something special. I hope that my love and my loyalty, once given, are strong enough to last through the inevitable tests. Even if that means being beaten down and hurt a hundred more times. I hope that until the day I die, I can hold my head high knowing that I tried to love people properly. I will fail, as I have done before, but I hope that I continue to learn and to grow from these failures and that I will not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
Friday, January 11, 2013
The D word
So, in taking stock of most of the major mistakes I have made in my life, it has become abundantly clear that my #1 gihugic-est failure in life is financial. I flat-out suck at money management. I have no discipline, and I like stuff too much, and I am far too quick to throw down money I don't have to help others -- which is great, if I am helping people who actually need help with things they actually need help with, but in actuality what I do more of is enable people who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves by providing them with things they don't need in the slightest, at my own expense. This, friends, is A Very Bad Idea and can lead you to A Very Bad Place very quickly.
Therefore...Big Resolution for 2013 is edited to one simple word. Discipline. It will take discipline to continue to blowdry my hair every day, particularly as I start my new job and must report in at 6:30 every morning. But am I going to do it? You bet your ass. It will take discipline to go out and get the second job that I pretty much have resigned myself that I need to get in order to pay off my debt and begin saving. But am I going to do it? You bet your ass. It will take discipline to tell you guys, my friends, that for the next year of my life I am going to be pretty antisocial as I get my shit in order, and I hope that I will not lose friends due to this but I am sure that I will. But am I going to do it anyway? You bet your ass.
I am tired of looking at my bank statements and saying, "Where in the HELL did all my money go?" and realizing it all went to absolute and utter nonsense. I am tired of not having a backup plan, because I spent mine 3 years ago and never bothered to refill the coffers. I am tired of driving around a car that needs $2000 in work and hoping the engine doesn't fall out of it because I don't have $20 for an oil change, much less $2000 for a whole slew of things to be done.
So I dug out the Dave Ramsey books my father got me as a not-so-gentle hint years ago, blew the dust off of them, and cracked them open for the first time today. I am about to draft my very-first-ever budget. I am doing it, dammit, and it's going to suck and it's going to be hard but I am beginning to become used to doing things that are horrible and difficult.
Somebody please just periodically remind me that when I can actually retire in 35 years, I will be glad I got off my ass, albeit a little later than I should have.
Therefore...Big Resolution for 2013 is edited to one simple word. Discipline. It will take discipline to continue to blowdry my hair every day, particularly as I start my new job and must report in at 6:30 every morning. But am I going to do it? You bet your ass. It will take discipline to go out and get the second job that I pretty much have resigned myself that I need to get in order to pay off my debt and begin saving. But am I going to do it? You bet your ass. It will take discipline to tell you guys, my friends, that for the next year of my life I am going to be pretty antisocial as I get my shit in order, and I hope that I will not lose friends due to this but I am sure that I will. But am I going to do it anyway? You bet your ass.
I am tired of looking at my bank statements and saying, "Where in the HELL did all my money go?" and realizing it all went to absolute and utter nonsense. I am tired of not having a backup plan, because I spent mine 3 years ago and never bothered to refill the coffers. I am tired of driving around a car that needs $2000 in work and hoping the engine doesn't fall out of it because I don't have $20 for an oil change, much less $2000 for a whole slew of things to be done.
So I dug out the Dave Ramsey books my father got me as a not-so-gentle hint years ago, blew the dust off of them, and cracked them open for the first time today. I am about to draft my very-first-ever budget. I am doing it, dammit, and it's going to suck and it's going to be hard but I am beginning to become used to doing things that are horrible and difficult.
Somebody please just periodically remind me that when I can actually retire in 35 years, I will be glad I got off my ass, albeit a little later than I should have.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
opening my eyes
I missed a couple days! Bad blogger.
Hair's been blow-dried the last few days. I am even getting better at it. Sort of.
Books are being read.
I worked at the preschool for a few hours today as a sort of "trial." I loved it and I watched the school director send an email to the owner imploring him to hire me, so let's take that as a very good sign. I fell in love with a little boy who, every time I went in the toddler room, attached himself to my leg and looked up adoringly into my face until I would pick him up. I think this place will be good for my soul.
This probably will not make sense because the thoughts are just beginning to become clear to me as it is, and I have a raging headache on top of it, but it's been on my mind and it's time to put it out there.
Most of you know I got a DUI last year. Stupid, stupid, stupid choice and one I have paid for in a lot of ways. Life lesson, kids - taxis are a lot cheaper and less humiliating than DUIs. Anyway, part of my probation involved taking the state-mandated risk-reduction DUI class. I didn't really know what to expect; I figured it would be a lot of videos and workbook work about the dangers of driving drunk, sort of a longer version of the abridged lesson you get in regular driver's ed. Not so, friends. This class was about choices and consequences - much less about drinking and driving and much more about high-risk drinking or drug choices. It was pretty eye-opening. I do not think I am in any danger of becoming an alcoholic, but if I were to continue down the path I had been going down, who is to say what would have happened? I was in a bad environment for me, one where heavy (and I mean HEAVY) drinking was considered normal, and encouraged. There was more that I wanted to say but I realize now that it is not the time or place. Instead, a quote. From the Bible, no less.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
My challenge is to balance that with a healthy dose of detatchment and self-respect. I can love somebody and want the best for them and be concerned without allowing their choices to negatively affect my life. It will take time and practice, but it can be done.
Hair's been blow-dried the last few days. I am even getting better at it. Sort of.
Books are being read.
I worked at the preschool for a few hours today as a sort of "trial." I loved it and I watched the school director send an email to the owner imploring him to hire me, so let's take that as a very good sign. I fell in love with a little boy who, every time I went in the toddler room, attached himself to my leg and looked up adoringly into my face until I would pick him up. I think this place will be good for my soul.
This probably will not make sense because the thoughts are just beginning to become clear to me as it is, and I have a raging headache on top of it, but it's been on my mind and it's time to put it out there.
Most of you know I got a DUI last year. Stupid, stupid, stupid choice and one I have paid for in a lot of ways. Life lesson, kids - taxis are a lot cheaper and less humiliating than DUIs. Anyway, part of my probation involved taking the state-mandated risk-reduction DUI class. I didn't really know what to expect; I figured it would be a lot of videos and workbook work about the dangers of driving drunk, sort of a longer version of the abridged lesson you get in regular driver's ed. Not so, friends. This class was about choices and consequences - much less about drinking and driving and much more about high-risk drinking or drug choices. It was pretty eye-opening. I do not think I am in any danger of becoming an alcoholic, but if I were to continue down the path I had been going down, who is to say what would have happened? I was in a bad environment for me, one where heavy (and I mean HEAVY) drinking was considered normal, and encouraged. There was more that I wanted to say but I realize now that it is not the time or place. Instead, a quote. From the Bible, no less.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
My challenge is to balance that with a healthy dose of detatchment and self-respect. I can love somebody and want the best for them and be concerned without allowing their choices to negatively affect my life. It will take time and practice, but it can be done.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Blah Blah Blah....
I was 5 for 5 yesterday and 6 for 6 today! I didn't post yesterday because it would have been incoherent dribble due to exhaustion. I slept for nearly 12 hours today and still sleepy! And I started reading Suz and I's book for the project we are doing despite the warfare trying to keep my eyes open.
Today I am pretty much up and down, left and right with every single thing. The struggle between having faith in things and giving it up. The struggle between optimism and pessimism. I came down to the only thought I could, I want something extraordinary in my life. Something that has everything I need. Then I realized I'm doing exactly the opposite of what I swore myself for 2013. Looking for something extraordinary instead of realizing I am the one that fills those wants and needs.
I don't know if that makes any sense but there it is for midnight and a long day ahead. I think I'm just exhausted by trying to figure out the good from the bad. Those who seek only to give themselves satisfaction, those who smile with a knife behind them, those who have less than honorable intentions. Everyone has such a wall built up around them that it's impossible to tell their real meanings. It's exhausting figuring all that out.
" I can't be the pouty girl who says yes when she means no, and no when she means yes! Happy? Smile! Sad? Frown! Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion!"
Life would be so much easier if people would just say, "Hi, I'm a shitty friend/boyfriend and I will most likely only be there for you when it fits my schedule." or "Hi, I'm a crappy coworker, I will not do any work and blame everything on you." or "I pretend that I want a relationship but really I just find that you're gullible and will fit in my life without questioning why I have a lot of girls texting me." etc.
This made zero sense and for that I'm sorry. Happy sleeping everyone and I hope for a good Monday.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
the green-eyed monster
"Does she talk
The way I do
Is her voice reminding you
Of the promises
The little white lies too
Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?" - Natalie Merchant, Jealousy
I hate feeling jealous.
No, let me rephrase that.
I absolutely despise feeling jealous. It's an ugly, petty, horrible feeling that doesn't ever do anybody any good (okay, except when it serves as a giant red flag wakeup call, which I suppose it's been known to do). It makes me feel like a crazy person.
And I battle it ALL. THE. FREAKIN. TIME these days. I try to at least maintain the outward appearance of a better-adjusted individual, but inside I seethe with bitter, hateful ugliness toward anyone and anything that comes close to having what my brain persists in believing is mine.
“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”
-J.R. Ward, Dark Lover
I know there must be some magical trick out there to stop it already with the envy. Actually, there is, and I know what it is - it's no longer giving a damn. However, I have a small problem with my give-a-damn, and that is that I have pretty much zero control over it. When I want to give a damn, I don't, and when I don't want to give a damn, I give two of them. Or three.
I suppose what it boils down to is that it's one thing to be knocked on your ass and left alone as though you are worthless. It's another to be knocked on your ass, left alone as though you are worthless, and then replaced. It makes a competition of the thing, it makes you hold yourself up against the virtues and vices of somebody else and question all sorts of things about your worth.
I'm not going to say anything else because I don't want to get even uglier so let's just put it all out of my mind now.
So, I am pretty much a resolution failure today. I totally rocked a bun because I woke up late, but I feel like it's okay because my resolution REALLY was just to blowdry 5 days a week, which I did. I also haven't read a page of anything I am meant to, although I got a good bit into Angela's Ashes because it happened to be in my purse. I have been out from 8:30 am until 10:30 pm though, so I feel pretty vindicated in my uselessness. I'll try to knock out an Oz book before I pass out but it's not looking good. Also, I got to see my sweet niece play hockey tonight (and kick some butt!) and was recruited for a ladies' broomball game next month - watch out, Gwinnett Arena...you have no idea what is about to transpire on your beautiful ice! It should be a travesty, and hilarious, and I can't wait! I haven't played broomball since I was 15. In fact, I am reasonably sure I had no idea how to play it then, and I certainly have no idea how to play it now, but I intend to win. And probably become very bruised in the meantime.
The way I do
Is her voice reminding you
Of the promises
The little white lies too
Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?" - Natalie Merchant, Jealousy
I hate feeling jealous.
No, let me rephrase that.
I absolutely despise feeling jealous. It's an ugly, petty, horrible feeling that doesn't ever do anybody any good (okay, except when it serves as a giant red flag wakeup call, which I suppose it's been known to do). It makes me feel like a crazy person.
And I battle it ALL. THE. FREAKIN. TIME these days. I try to at least maintain the outward appearance of a better-adjusted individual, but inside I seethe with bitter, hateful ugliness toward anyone and anything that comes close to having what my brain persists in believing is mine.
“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”
-J.R. Ward, Dark Lover
I know there must be some magical trick out there to stop it already with the envy. Actually, there is, and I know what it is - it's no longer giving a damn. However, I have a small problem with my give-a-damn, and that is that I have pretty much zero control over it. When I want to give a damn, I don't, and when I don't want to give a damn, I give two of them. Or three.
I suppose what it boils down to is that it's one thing to be knocked on your ass and left alone as though you are worthless. It's another to be knocked on your ass, left alone as though you are worthless, and then replaced. It makes a competition of the thing, it makes you hold yourself up against the virtues and vices of somebody else and question all sorts of things about your worth.
I'm not going to say anything else because I don't want to get even uglier so let's just put it all out of my mind now.
So, I am pretty much a resolution failure today. I totally rocked a bun because I woke up late, but I feel like it's okay because my resolution REALLY was just to blowdry 5 days a week, which I did. I also haven't read a page of anything I am meant to, although I got a good bit into Angela's Ashes because it happened to be in my purse. I have been out from 8:30 am until 10:30 pm though, so I feel pretty vindicated in my uselessness. I'll try to knock out an Oz book before I pass out but it's not looking good. Also, I got to see my sweet niece play hockey tonight (and kick some butt!) and was recruited for a ladies' broomball game next month - watch out, Gwinnett Arena...you have no idea what is about to transpire on your beautiful ice! It should be a travesty, and hilarious, and I can't wait! I haven't played broomball since I was 15. In fact, I am reasonably sure I had no idea how to play it then, and I certainly have no idea how to play it now, but I intend to win. And probably become very bruised in the meantime.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Just a day
Today was jammed packed busy and tomorrow will be no different. My office is handling a large loss job site and it's all hands on deck until Next Thursday (excluding Sunday). I'm beat down, worn out but I still managed to learn something. Sometimes trying to help someone else, being there no matter what, through everything, just hinders you from exactly what you're attempting to do/help. And in that unyielding help you end up sacrificing things of yourself. Maybe the real hard part out of situations like this is letting go and hoping that they will remember what you said and will want to make themselves be the best they can. Letting go and knowing that they might not. It's letting go of the control and watching them try on their own for better or worse. But you can't sit there enabling or talking until you're blue in the face. You have to know that trying too hard backfires and the people who want to be better will eventually be better and you will FEEL better once you let go of those things that are not at all in your control or power. The only savior is yourself. Your friends are angels there to cheer you on.
I'm 4 for 4 today! Aching, exhausted, half hope and half resignation - signing off and going to bed.
Before I do this came to mind today:
“At some point, you gotta let go, and sit still, and allow contentment to come to you.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
I'm 4 for 4 today! Aching, exhausted, half hope and half resignation - signing off and going to bed.
Before I do this came to mind today:
“At some point, you gotta let go, and sit still, and allow contentment to come to you.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
how's this for a mood swing in the right direction?
Hair blow-dryed.
Emerald City of Oz nearly completed - at least I hope so, as I've plowed through 245 pages thus far today and am getting pretty sleepy. But I won't go to sleep until it's done, regardless.
Interview today nailed. All that worrying for nothing! I go back next week to spend a few hours working with the school director behind the front desk to get a feel for things and probably to pass a test or two and then I hope they make an offer. I am super, super pumped about this position now that I know more about it and have seen the school. What a great opportunity!!! I would spend my mornings in the infant room as a teacher, then have a few hours off starting at lunchtime, come back around 3 to work the desk and close the school down - be out by 6:45 every day. No weekends. No holidays. No nights. And babies!!!!!!! AND office experience. I loved everyone I met today and got such a good vibe from the place. Very excited.
And THEN! I got home to a message asking when I can come in for an interview for an office manager position with a tax and accounting firm. It sounds decidedly less fun, but still - can't hurt to go and see, right? I am feeling worlds better today about the future than I was yesterday, that is for sure.
Helping that is the overwhelming show of support I got today from so many people wishing me well and encouraging me. The last month has shown me what an incredible support system of people I have in my life, and I am humbled every day before the love that my family and friends are showing me. I feel so, so, so lucky and proud that I have so many outstanding people in my life, and I am going to try to remember how loved I am and not allow myself to be so very devastated by being unloved by one measly person. Even if he is a pretty important person. I know in my heart who I am, and I am surrounded by people who know too and who believe in me, and I know that I tried so hard every day to be good to Sean - I left everything out there that I could, and there should be no shame or regret in that. If he chooses to disregard all the good that there is in me, there is not much I can say or do to change his mind. And good luck to him finding somebody who can love him more. I mean that without malice - I should probably make that clear. I hope that he does find somebody who can be everything he wants. I just fear that his expectations are unrealistically high and he will continue to be disappointed by us mere mortals. But I suppose that is not my concern, not any more. All I can do is live my life the best I can - and Lord knows I am putting all my effort into that. What happens from there remains to be seen. I won't lie and say there isn't a part of me determined to prove Sean wrong, because there is a very, very large part that wants to do so, and a part of me too that persists in thinking if I just really get my shit together maybe he will change his mind -- but that part is shrinking every day, or at least becoming much quieter. And that part also knows that the more together my shit gets, the less inclined I am going to be to turn my heart over to somebody who was so quick to discard it as though it meant nothing to him.
I am an overachiever
Look at me, two blogs in one day.
A friend just made a post on facebook that got the wheels turning. She said, "Sometimes you have to learn to love what's good for you."
What do you think? True? Not true?
Impossible, I think. Not because we can't learn to love, because certainly we can, but because none of us seem to really know what's good for us, and none of us are very good judges of it one way or another.
For one thing, we've all got all these messed up ideas in our heads about what it is we deserve, and what it is that love means, and how we love others and expect them to love us. Usually one or more of these ingrained ideas is not, in fact, good for us, but they are intensely powerful and almost impossible to overcome until you change the way you think.
For another, how often is your first impression of somebody wrong? Particularly when there is infatuation or attraction involved. We've all been in that place where we think somebody is perfect for us and it turns out, they most definitely are anything but. And we've all been in that place where we're blind to somebody's virtues for whatever reason.
BUT -- people come into your life for a reason. They are there to teach you, they are there to make you grow -- and doesn't that make everyone, by definition, good for you? And some people can do very good things for you, and be very good for you in every single way except one, and sometimes you can be such a stubborn fool that you fixate on that one thing, which may not even be important or may not even be true, for that matter, and then you have gone and thrown away something beautiful because you've got your head up your ass looking for perfection on earth, which does not exist, and ignoring your own faults and shortcomings.
"How do you remove a speck of sawdust from your brother's eye when all the while there's a big plank in your own?" - Godspell (and, I suppose, the Bible first)
I don't want to waste my life trying to find some elusive love affair that is "good for me." I want to love who I love, which isn't to say I don't want that love to be good, but I also have learned enough to know that there is good in everything and everyone, and there is value in everything and everyone, and everything and everyone deserves a chance. Or two or three, as the case may be.
"I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily...I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make." - Jason Mraz
I don't know. I know that it takes all kinds, and people feel all sorts of different ways about things, blah blah blah -- but it seems to me that something as simple as human kindness, human decency, and love should be universally regarded in the same way, and I never cease to be astonished by people's lack of commitment and dedication to all sorts of things, relationships included. I think I've veered quite a bit off the subject and have begun to project, so maybe it's time to get some sleep. Also, this post had absolutely nothing to do with learning to be a better woman. Or maybe it did.
Maybe the point is this - with vulnerability and openness comes great risk of being hurt. But with vulnerability and openness also comes the chance of great joy. Do you think it's worth it to take the risk? I do, and I don't think any amount of ass-kicking is going to change that belief. So I will continue to love as love comes to me, without regard to whether or not it's "good" for me - because by its very nature, love is good, and there is always good to be found in the experience.
"To love another person is to see the face of God." - Les Miserables
A friend just made a post on facebook that got the wheels turning. She said, "Sometimes you have to learn to love what's good for you."
What do you think? True? Not true?
Impossible, I think. Not because we can't learn to love, because certainly we can, but because none of us seem to really know what's good for us, and none of us are very good judges of it one way or another.
For one thing, we've all got all these messed up ideas in our heads about what it is we deserve, and what it is that love means, and how we love others and expect them to love us. Usually one or more of these ingrained ideas is not, in fact, good for us, but they are intensely powerful and almost impossible to overcome until you change the way you think.
For another, how often is your first impression of somebody wrong? Particularly when there is infatuation or attraction involved. We've all been in that place where we think somebody is perfect for us and it turns out, they most definitely are anything but. And we've all been in that place where we're blind to somebody's virtues for whatever reason.
BUT -- people come into your life for a reason. They are there to teach you, they are there to make you grow -- and doesn't that make everyone, by definition, good for you? And some people can do very good things for you, and be very good for you in every single way except one, and sometimes you can be such a stubborn fool that you fixate on that one thing, which may not even be important or may not even be true, for that matter, and then you have gone and thrown away something beautiful because you've got your head up your ass looking for perfection on earth, which does not exist, and ignoring your own faults and shortcomings.
"How do you remove a speck of sawdust from your brother's eye when all the while there's a big plank in your own?" - Godspell (and, I suppose, the Bible first)
I don't want to waste my life trying to find some elusive love affair that is "good for me." I want to love who I love, which isn't to say I don't want that love to be good, but I also have learned enough to know that there is good in everything and everyone, and there is value in everything and everyone, and everything and everyone deserves a chance. Or two or three, as the case may be.
"I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily...I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make." - Jason Mraz
I don't know. I know that it takes all kinds, and people feel all sorts of different ways about things, blah blah blah -- but it seems to me that something as simple as human kindness, human decency, and love should be universally regarded in the same way, and I never cease to be astonished by people's lack of commitment and dedication to all sorts of things, relationships included. I think I've veered quite a bit off the subject and have begun to project, so maybe it's time to get some sleep. Also, this post had absolutely nothing to do with learning to be a better woman. Or maybe it did.
Maybe the point is this - with vulnerability and openness comes great risk of being hurt. But with vulnerability and openness also comes the chance of great joy. Do you think it's worth it to take the risk? I do, and I don't think any amount of ass-kicking is going to change that belief. So I will continue to love as love comes to me, without regard to whether or not it's "good" for me - because by its very nature, love is good, and there is always good to be found in the experience.
"To love another person is to see the face of God." - Les Miserables
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Meerkats
The Meerkat
So for some reason I googled "the happiest animals in the world" and this picture came up. While I'm sure there are other equally happy animals in the world this picture made me smile. And of course led to a youtube search to discover this:
Which got me wondering, what makes Meerkats so obviously happy?
They are extremely social animals with very large, tight-knit families. They groom each other, raise each other's kids, is ALWAYS, without fail, there to help in hard times. They console each other and allow for completely silly behavior. Obviously sleeping is one of the things they do together.
It's not always sunny as I just read they sometimes eat their own young....we'll just pass over that.
The moral of the story is support. Everyone needs it and rarely do they fully use it the way it should be used. Part of having support is being totally honest with oneself and those around you. Need to break a habit, tell your friends, so that you can't cheat without either humiliation or a stern word.
I'm finally using mine! It's making me focus on priorities and it has kept my head on straight. The fear of shame, however small, pushes me to do better. That being said I am 3 for 3 today!
Because I spent eight hours on a fire damage job site today, still pretty sure that I smell like smoke, on my feet the whole day and have another five days of the same; I'm going to eat a nice mound of cheese and then have a good nights sleep. Because cheese is wonderful and so is small victories and especially a support system that tells you that eating cheese tonight is a good idea. :-)
Day 3
1. Hair fixed...check.
2. Oz book read...check.
3. Pillars of the Earth taken off the bookshelf and put on the night stand. Hey, baby steps.
4. Shit gotten together and interview answers mentally prepared.
5. Quality time spent with family...check.
6. Cream puffs eaten. Yeah, that's not a resolution but it is wonderful for my soul.
I've felt down all day. I woke up in a horrific mood with the headache that started yesterday still pounding away. I feel pretty good about the fact that I even got out of bed today, much less that I actually accomplished a few things. Today is also the first day in 2 weeks that I did not spend hours jobhunting, and it felt pretty outstanding to take a day off and watch copious amounts of junior hockey and spend a little time wallowing.
It's no secret to anyone reading this that my heart was broken not long ago. You've all been privy to my hysterical and obsessive facebooking, and please believe that for every sad, sorry status update there were about 50 that I deleted without posting. I have tried to be as respectful as I can be to the other party, who clearly does not believe in communicating about this at all beyond "I'm done with you," but that's not how I operate. I can't just make up my mind about anything, let alone about something as life-altering as letting go of the person I supposedly love. It sucks to try to wade through this mess by myself, with no real answers - which I suppose ought to be answer enough. It sucks to wonder if there is any hope left and have no real way of answering that question. It sucks to be left with a drunken middle-of-the-night song lyric as the only answer - which isn't really an answer at all because it's completely cryptic and could be interpreted in about a hundred different ways. It sucks to have so much left to say and nobody there to hear it. It was hard enough to feel not good enough; to feel not good enough and not really know why I wasn't worth the effort is much, much worse.
I've never been through a breakup like this. Generally, they are instigated by me, and I usually have more than ample cause and have gotten so angry and so fed up over such a long period of time that the mourning period is rather short. This is different. This is a scary pit of bad feelings that feels like it is going to go on for a long, long time, and I don't know how to get to the other side except to keep on trying to slog through it. I feel guilty when I am overwhelmingly sad, because there is still so much good in my life, and because I know that, no matter what mistakes I have made, I deserve more than what I was given. I feel guilty because I know in spite of knowing that, if he wanted me back I'd go in a heartbeat and that this would disappoint a lot of people who also think I deserve better - and now I feel guilty that I just admitted that. I am stuck between believing that with great love should come great forgiveness and wondering why he doesn't seem to agree. Then I get angry that I forgave much, I overlooked much, and he couldn't do the same for me. Right now, I feel guilty that I am airing this out to the world at large, and I know he won't like it, but I've got to talk about it somewhere, and really - is it any secret to any of you what's happened? Is this really such a revelation? Look at me trying to convince myself it's okay to post this. You know what? It's the truth, and so I will. I am not trying to bash Sean in any way. I have nothing bad to say about him; I wish I did because it would make it easier. A whole lot easier. The worst thing I can say is I am incredibly disappointed. Incredibly disappointed. And shattered.
And now I have nothing else to say.
2. Oz book read...check.
3. Pillars of the Earth taken off the bookshelf and put on the night stand. Hey, baby steps.
4. Shit gotten together and interview answers mentally prepared.
5. Quality time spent with family...check.
6. Cream puffs eaten. Yeah, that's not a resolution but it is wonderful for my soul.
I've felt down all day. I woke up in a horrific mood with the headache that started yesterday still pounding away. I feel pretty good about the fact that I even got out of bed today, much less that I actually accomplished a few things. Today is also the first day in 2 weeks that I did not spend hours jobhunting, and it felt pretty outstanding to take a day off and watch copious amounts of junior hockey and spend a little time wallowing.
It's no secret to anyone reading this that my heart was broken not long ago. You've all been privy to my hysterical and obsessive facebooking, and please believe that for every sad, sorry status update there were about 50 that I deleted without posting. I have tried to be as respectful as I can be to the other party, who clearly does not believe in communicating about this at all beyond "I'm done with you," but that's not how I operate. I can't just make up my mind about anything, let alone about something as life-altering as letting go of the person I supposedly love. It sucks to try to wade through this mess by myself, with no real answers - which I suppose ought to be answer enough. It sucks to wonder if there is any hope left and have no real way of answering that question. It sucks to be left with a drunken middle-of-the-night song lyric as the only answer - which isn't really an answer at all because it's completely cryptic and could be interpreted in about a hundred different ways. It sucks to have so much left to say and nobody there to hear it. It was hard enough to feel not good enough; to feel not good enough and not really know why I wasn't worth the effort is much, much worse.
I've never been through a breakup like this. Generally, they are instigated by me, and I usually have more than ample cause and have gotten so angry and so fed up over such a long period of time that the mourning period is rather short. This is different. This is a scary pit of bad feelings that feels like it is going to go on for a long, long time, and I don't know how to get to the other side except to keep on trying to slog through it. I feel guilty when I am overwhelmingly sad, because there is still so much good in my life, and because I know that, no matter what mistakes I have made, I deserve more than what I was given. I feel guilty because I know in spite of knowing that, if he wanted me back I'd go in a heartbeat and that this would disappoint a lot of people who also think I deserve better - and now I feel guilty that I just admitted that. I am stuck between believing that with great love should come great forgiveness and wondering why he doesn't seem to agree. Then I get angry that I forgave much, I overlooked much, and he couldn't do the same for me. Right now, I feel guilty that I am airing this out to the world at large, and I know he won't like it, but I've got to talk about it somewhere, and really - is it any secret to any of you what's happened? Is this really such a revelation? Look at me trying to convince myself it's okay to post this. You know what? It's the truth, and so I will. I am not trying to bash Sean in any way. I have nothing bad to say about him; I wish I did because it would make it easier. A whole lot easier. The worst thing I can say is I am incredibly disappointed. Incredibly disappointed. And shattered.
And now I have nothing else to say.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
First things first, I blow-dried my hair today!!!!!!! 2 for 2, baby. I'm on a roll!
Secondly, I am ahead of the game by one Oz book.
Third, I have a job interview on Friday. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!!! It would be a pretty ideal position and I'm excited about the possibilities.
Now, time for the tough talk. Tracy and I both, as has been mentioned, have allowed ourselves in the last year or so (32 years, in my case) to be railroaded, walked upon, taken advantage of, used, etc. Why? Not because we are doormats by nature, I don't think, and not because we necessarily choose "bad" men, but because we have this idea of a self-sacrificing sort of love...that the more we give of ourselves, the more our love for somebody is proven. It's a broken, disordered way of thinking, no matter how genuine the intent behind it, and it is going to be our toughest task in the months ahead to break ourselves of this. We need some ground rules to keep us headed in the right direction.
1. Trust your gut. Don't ignore red flags.
2. It doesn't make you a bitch to stand up for yourself.
3. Expect to be treated the way you treat others. When you aren't, talk about it first, and walk if there aren't changes. Your heart and your worth as a human are more important than someone else's ego.
4. If someone speaks to you in a way that would make your father go blind with rage, there is a problem.
5. If you'd advise your best friend to get out if it were her -- get out. You are just as valuable.
It all comes down to self-respect in the end, and knowing that we deserve to be loved and treated properly. It isn't proper for someone to belittle and demean you. It isn't proper for someone to take ceaselessly from you and then, when you need them, to disappear. It isn't proper for someone to cheat on you, or to ignore you for days on end, or to choose his job/his friends/alcohol/whatever over you every single time. It isn't proper for you to cry and for him to ignore you or tell you that you're being a drama queen. It isn't proper to feel on edge all the time and pressured to "make" him love you by doing X, Y, or Z. He should love you because you are you, and you are lovable, and you are deserving. Period, the end.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Saint Jude
St. Jude or Jude the Apostle was one of the twelve apostles of Jesus. In the Roman Catholic Church he is identified as the patron saint of desperate cases and lost causes. Now I'm not a religious type but I get a kick out of St. Jude. Suz and I seem to have what they call a St. Jude complex. We also seem to have time management issues and overextend ourselves on endeavors of the unnecessary. The things we squash our time with are not of any noble pursuit of self-improvement or nourishment of mind. It's all pretty much just "stuff". That's the only way to describe it, stuff.
And that "stuff" along with the St. Jude complex we share, hasn't made much time for anything else and in the fallout we've neglected life, ourselves and all the possibilities that could have been. We were run down, beat up, exhausted and pissed. We can't do everything, save everyone, fix everyone if we can't even do it for ourselves. If only speaking for myself, trying to motivate others has completely demotivated me.
Everyone always claims big heights for their new year and many fall off to regular habits by mid-year if not sooner. I am sick of wanting more but losing focus in acquiring it because I was diverted back to "stuff". It seems the few people I know who have this miraculous life (truly with no sarcasm) earned it by making goals, doing everything in their power to do so, and balancing the help others/help myself combo. As Suzanne said last night right before the New Year, "This year is going to be great, there isn't any other option."
Being a Yes Man needs to be balanced with a No Man! NO to things that bring me down, NO to things that demotivate me, NO to things that put me at my worst. If someone gets left behind in my dust than that's how it'll go. I can't be a sidekick, I can't be the trainer, I can't be the therapist, I refuse to be the savior. At the rate I was going, I was becoming bitter, resentful, easily annoyed, all the things that make everyone else around you unhappy as well. How did I get to being "that" person? It's probably safe to assume it's because I neglected myself. Now it doesn't mean I won't be my regular, "sure I'll help you", "Of course, no problem!", "Don't worry, I don't mind" self. But it'll be within REASON and only for those who DESERVE it.
I never thought I would be the one to say, "I'm unhappy". But I am - there it is. I'm unhappy that I've lost so much in the pursuit of giving too much of myself away. I'm unhappy that I feel like I'm not doing anything important or useful. I'm unhappy feeling like I'm not giving my mind and soul the things that it should always have. I have nothing to show for the past few years. I was always the type to want to do extraordinary things and be something, more than something. It kills me that I have very little to show of my life. Great friends are one thing, I have amazing friends and we certainly have created amazing times. But friends don't define my life, they add to my life. I want something to show of ME.
Suz and I were raised in the same state, have the same type family and parents, went through nearly the same experiences, and we both share the same desire to be better, do better, and improve at every chance. So hopefully between the two of us - we can turn over the New Year in 2014 in better spirits and with a more fulfilling life.
“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it"
I wanted to be first
“It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary
While Tracy is futzing with our layout and obsessing over fonts, I have taken it upon myself to make our first blog entry, because I am selfish and want to be first. This may be one of the things on my extensive to-do list as far as self-improvement. Then again, it may not. Selfishness actually is something I need more of, not less. I digress.
We have jointly decided that 2013 is going to be a year of staggering growth for each of us. We both had craptacular 2012s, due largely in part to the fact that we ignored ourselves and took care of everyone else on the face of the planet instead, and we are going to take matters into our own hands and do things to stretch and grow and improve ourselves.
For instance, I am going to blow-dry my hair every day. I am 32 freakin' years old and I still stomp my feet and whine about having to actually fix my hair. I grew it out for the express purpose of being able to throw it in a ponytail. The trouble is, it looks awful in ponytails and it looks half decent down and straightened. I am just a lazy bollocks who doesn't want to do it. Therefore, I am going to take the 15 minutes to get off my ass and fix my hair at least 5 times a week. Everyone knows if you fix your hair, the rest follows.
We have also signed up for a super exciting 2013 reading challenge, which I don't have the energy to explain because it's incredibly in-depth, but we will be earning our BA's in literature from Historical Fictionista University, and may even go on to earn higher degrees. Yeah. How about THAT? First up is Pillars of the Earth, which I read years ago and am very excited to reread because I am a total nerd.
I also, on my own, will be reading all 40 Oz-related books by the time Oz, the Great and Powerful comes out in March. 3 down, 37 to go. And it's only January 1st! God, I'm amazing. And somehow now even nerdier.
I think we have also decided to write a book, details about which will be forthcoming, and once a month we are going to go out and get ourselves some culture - a cooking class, a museum trip, etc. I kind of think every other month we should do something we absolutely do NOT want to do, just to say we did it.
And most importantly, I am determined to have a complete and utter overhaul of both my career, which has been sucking the life out of me for 16 years, and of my thought processes as related to relationships of all kinds. I want to learn to nurture and grow healthy relationships, not choke the life out of them by overwatering, to use a planting metaphor that seems oddly appropriate. Destination: enlightenment, good mental health and utter bliss!
Watch out, world -- 2013 is going to unleash two crazy, fulfilled bitches! Can't wait!
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary
While Tracy is futzing with our layout and obsessing over fonts, I have taken it upon myself to make our first blog entry, because I am selfish and want to be first. This may be one of the things on my extensive to-do list as far as self-improvement. Then again, it may not. Selfishness actually is something I need more of, not less. I digress.
We have jointly decided that 2013 is going to be a year of staggering growth for each of us. We both had craptacular 2012s, due largely in part to the fact that we ignored ourselves and took care of everyone else on the face of the planet instead, and we are going to take matters into our own hands and do things to stretch and grow and improve ourselves.
For instance, I am going to blow-dry my hair every day. I am 32 freakin' years old and I still stomp my feet and whine about having to actually fix my hair. I grew it out for the express purpose of being able to throw it in a ponytail. The trouble is, it looks awful in ponytails and it looks half decent down and straightened. I am just a lazy bollocks who doesn't want to do it. Therefore, I am going to take the 15 minutes to get off my ass and fix my hair at least 5 times a week. Everyone knows if you fix your hair, the rest follows.
We have also signed up for a super exciting 2013 reading challenge, which I don't have the energy to explain because it's incredibly in-depth, but we will be earning our BA's in literature from Historical Fictionista University, and may even go on to earn higher degrees. Yeah. How about THAT? First up is Pillars of the Earth, which I read years ago and am very excited to reread because I am a total nerd.
I also, on my own, will be reading all 40 Oz-related books by the time Oz, the Great and Powerful comes out in March. 3 down, 37 to go. And it's only January 1st! God, I'm amazing. And somehow now even nerdier.
I think we have also decided to write a book, details about which will be forthcoming, and once a month we are going to go out and get ourselves some culture - a cooking class, a museum trip, etc. I kind of think every other month we should do something we absolutely do NOT want to do, just to say we did it.
And most importantly, I am determined to have a complete and utter overhaul of both my career, which has been sucking the life out of me for 16 years, and of my thought processes as related to relationships of all kinds. I want to learn to nurture and grow healthy relationships, not choke the life out of them by overwatering, to use a planting metaphor that seems oddly appropriate. Destination: enlightenment, good mental health and utter bliss!
Watch out, world -- 2013 is going to unleash two crazy, fulfilled bitches! Can't wait!
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